If I kill myself
by Glittering Turquoise
Summary: After the death of Song Yeon, everyone she knew cried with sadness in their faces. But for Yi San, his grief of losing her turns into a terrible desire to kill himself. Will Dae Su be able to stop him and encourage him to live on?


**Hey guys! I'm back! I'm sorry for not updating any Yi San stories in a while because I decide to do my other stories & my upcoming stories. Besides, I was kind of surprised that it has almost been 2 years since I joined this website as a member and I realized that time has gone quickly after I signed up but I'll be on this website until I get married after I past high school & college. **

**Anyway, enjoy my new Yi San story and always remember to review! ^^**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything from the hit Korean drama but I do own this story that in my mind for a while. Also, none of you guys are not allowed to copy any of my stories but you can print them out for reading at home when you're not using any computers or laptops for a while. Plus, you can make your own version if you want. **

**P.S. **

**The son of Yi San & Song Yeon is still alive in this story and he has no illness and was quite healthy. Also Dae Su got married to Chobi and they have a son & a daughter who was a year younger than Song Yeon's son. Furthermore, this story took place after "To rescue the woman I love" but I'm not sure if this story could be a sequel or not. **

**There's also a fact is that in history after the death of Song Yeon, King Jeongjo aka Yi San hasn't left the room for 10 or 12 days. **

**It has been a few days after Song Yeon's death and it has grieved those who has known her, cared for her, & even loved her. **

**Even her son, Munhyo cries while being comforted by his grandmother who felt sorry for him for losing his mother just like her son when he feels so sad & cries too after his father…crown prince Sado died while being held captive in a rice chest when Yi San was very young. **

**Including Song Yeon's brother, Song Wook who stays in the capital for a week and stays with Dae Su & his wife Chobi & their 2 children who decides to comfort him every time he cries after hears the news about the death of his sister…even when he goes to Mak Soon's house to drink some alcohol & being carried back to his brother-in-law's best friend Dae Su who ask Suh Jang Boh & Kang Suk Ki to help him after Sung Wook became drunk from grieving his dead sister.**

**As for king Lee San…he hadn't eaten any of his meals or going to any meetings with the lords for 3 days. He just stays at the palace & walking around with thoughts in his mind. Even when he trains, he only shoots arrows at animal paintings & striking wooden poles with a wooden stick…but every time he strikes, his face are full of anger & sadness which has begins to worry Official Nam & Lee San's female assistant. **

**But one night, as the moon begins to show in the Korean capital…Lee San decides to retire to his room to prepare to go to sleep. Official Nam ask him if he wants any dinner but Lee San repeats the same answer to him "No, not tonight…you can leave now". **

**Official Nam felt shocked from Lee San's answer and begins to worry about Lee San's health "But your majesty, you haven't ate anything at all after Song Yeon's death…and if you don't eat anything for a few more days or months, you would die from starvation". **

**Lee San who was reading a book, feeling solemn…looks up at him decides to give a answer "I'm alright…I just don't feel like eating anything for a few days…but if I am…I'll let you know". **

**Official Nam was surprised…yet he didn't know what to say to the king even though he is now very worried for Lee San's health. Instead he bows down & replies back "Yes your majesty…good night" and then he left. **

**Now being alone in his room, Lee San closed the book and looked through his robe…he found a small blue bag that was given to him years ago by Song Yeon…he opened it and took out a beautiful red jewel hat clip that Song Yeon bought only for him. He begins to remember the times he had spend with Song Yeon which has made him smile…but when the last memory of the time Song Yeon died from cancer…his smile disappeared…then he begins to grieve for her…because he can't find a way or any medicine to save her and he thought that it was his fault for losing her to death. **

**But then, he has a idea in his mind…he then hid Song Yeon's gift in his robe and opened one of his books which has a knife in it. He took it & stared at it with a thought in his mind '…I wonder if…this is the only way for me to see her again…if I…if I…if I kill myself instead of dying from starvation & suffer from not having her by myself if I continued to live on & get old…I don't know if this is the only way…the only quick way…the only path if I should take in order to see…to see Song Yeon again…but I must do this because I can't let her be alone in the afterlife…I must do this if I don't want to suffer anymore'. **

**With his mind made up, he put the knife down on his desk, pulled his right sleeve only to show his wrist…and held the knife with his left hand & raised it above his right hand in position…but before he starts doing anything, he begins to have a thought in his mind 'I'm sorry everyone…but letting you seeing my lying dead in my room is the only thing to let you know that I choose to die tonight & death is the only way for me to see Song Yeon again…I'm sorry everyone…goodbye'. He slowly brings the knife down toward his right wrist. **

**Meanwhile, Dae Su is standing outside Lee San's room and was walking around while being dressed in his blue military uniform when he was in a higher rank. He was also very worried when he heard that his best friend Lee San is begins to act strangely after Song Yeon's death 'I wonder why his majesty has suddenly changed after Song Yeon's death…he trains in the training center by himself without sparring with me or any of the soldiers…he didn't even go outside either & refusing any meals…I wonder what is wrong with him?'. **

**Then he suddenly noticed Official Nam who stands outside Lee San's room "Oh! Yah! Official Nam!" Dae Su called out to him & ran up to speak to him. **

**(The word "Yah" is a Korean language and it means "Hey in English)**

**Official Nam was surprised when he heard his name being called but he felt glad that it was Dae Su "*gasp* Park Dae Su! What brings you here? I thought you are going home to your wife & your kids!". **

**Dae Su begins to explain with a smile "I was going to but then I saw you and I decide to drop by and say hello". Official Nam smiled "Oh I see…". **

**Then suddenly, Dae Su became serious and begins to ask "Um…how is his majesty?…I heard he begins to act strangely & refused to have any meals ever since Song Yeon's death".**

**Upon hearing Dae Su's words, Official Nam's smile faded with worries "I don't know…but I felt like as if he had changed after her death…even when I ask him if he wants any dinner tonight…he refused and told me that he doesn't feel like it…even when I told him that he'll die from starvation if he refused any more meals in a few more days & months…he still refused and I don't know when he'll accept any meals".**

**Dae Su begins to worry as well. But then suddenly, he realized what the king is up to "Wait! I think I know the reason why he refused any meals & acted differently…" Official Nam looked up him with hopes that Dae Su knows the reason why. **

**Then Dae Su begins to tell with realization "I think he is planning to kill himself!". Official just can't believe it & shocked "Oh no! We've got to stop him from trying to kill himself!". Then both he & Dae Su runs to Lee San's room & was shocked to see Lee San who was about to kill himself with a knife that was closing in on his hand. **

"***gasp* Your majesty! Stop!" yelled Dae Su who runs to Lee San & quickly grabbed Lee San's hand that held the knife & snatch it away which surprises the king "*gasp* Dae Su! What are you doing?". **

"**What am I doing?…how about you? What are you doing? Why are you trying to take your own life away by trying to die from starvation & almost killing yourself by cutting your own wrist with this knife? Are you trying to scare us to death from trying to kill yourself with this?…Are you trying to make us see your dead body the next morning with blood from your wrist after you cut it from this knife? Geez! Luckily Official Nam and I came here to stop you right on time before you cut your own wrist! Tell us why you are trying to kill yourself?…Tell us!" said Dae Su who yelled at the king while holding the knife in his right hand. **

**Lee San was shocked. He just can't believe that both Official Nam & Dae Su figured out what he's been trying to do and they now knew that he was trying to kill himself. He just didn't know how he would answer to them. **

**Official Nam begins to encourage him "Please your majesty, tell us why you are doing this?". **

**Upon hearing the questions from both men who felt upset about him trying to die by himself…Lee San felt quiet & solemn while turning his head around to the right. He too felt upset because his desire to commit suicide was thwarted by both Dae Su & Official Nam…yet he regretted for never telling the reason why he refused any of his meals for a few days after Song Yeon's death…is because he wants to die from starvation in order to be with the woman he loves from his childhood. Then he decides to reply "Because I…I wanted to die & be with Song Yeon again in the afterlife…and I can't let her be all alone…and I don't want her to feel miserable & lonely without me standing by her…that's why I've decided to die tonight so that way…if I die, then I'll search for her & comfort her to let her know that she is no longer alone". **

**Both Dae Su & Official Nam was shocked. "Is it that why you try to die from starvation & try to take your own life by cutting your wrist?" said Dae Su who was upset after hearing his childhood best friend while still held the knife in his grip. He knew that committing suicide isn't a right thing to do. **

**He decides to explain "Listen to me your majesty! Killing yourself isn't gonna make you happy! It'll hurt everyone & make you enemies happy to do something so foolish by killing yourself! Besides, you should be glad that you're still alive and you have a son to take care of after Song Yeon's death! And if you died, Song Yeon won't be feeling very happy! If I were her, I would feel upset that you have left this world without completing the things you must do while you're still alive…and if you're gone, what is gonna happen to your son?…he's still too young to take over the kingdom & he needed you to stay with him & teach him everything he needed to know before your time on this world is over…you don't have to kill yourself your majesty because killing yourself might made you feel happy…but then you'll feel a lot of regrets…and your son will feel all alone in this world without his parents just like you when your father died years ago…but we can't let you kill yourself…so do us all a favor and…try to move on your with life & do the things that must be done before your time is up". **

**Lee San was surprised & speechless from hearing Dae Su's words of telling him to don't kill himself. Then he begins to realized that he must live in order to do the things he must do before his life is over 'Maybe he's right…maybe I shouldn't kill myself because I must complete other things that I have to do…until my death came & maybe I can be able to see Song Yeon again…I guess that continuing on with my life is the real right thing to do' he thought to himself. Suddenly, he smiled & nodded his head gently "Yes…maybe I should still stay alive & help my son o become the next king…& I must do whatever I can to defeat my enemies & do the things I must do till my life is over". **

**Official Nam chuckled with happiness & gratitude "Oh I'm so glad your majesty". Dae Su was very happy too, until he begins to ask the king "Oh and by the way your majesty? Do you need this?" he showed the knife that Lee San almost used to cut his wrist. Lee San glanced at it for a few moments…then he shook his head "No…I don't I'll ever need it…and I never use it again as long as I live…you can keep it because I've decided to never try to kill myself again". **

**Dae Su became happy "Oh thank you highness!" then he puts the knife away in his bag. Lee San then turns his head to Official Nam "Oh and Official Nam…I think I'm quite hungry tonight…do you think you can give me my meals?". **

**Official Nam's smile became more brighter then before because it is the first time that Lee San decides to receive his meals after refusing them a few days ever since Song Yeon's death "Oh yes I will your majesty!" then he left the room. **

**After Official Nam left, Dae Su decides to leave too "Thank your majesty…anyway I must leave to see my wife tonight". Lee San was surprised "Are you sure? I thought about if we could eat here together and talk". Dae Su shook his head while laughing "No that's alright your majesty…but I need to go home or my wife will get angry and thought that I don't love her anymore and going out with another woman or getting drunk with my friends and skip dinner…so I better need to leave now and have dinner with her and the kids before I come back here tomorrow…good night". **

**Lee San smiles at him "Alright…good night Dae Su" then he watched as Dae Su left the room completely. After Dae Su left, Lee San stop smiling & became remorseful as he then placed his right arm into his robe & pulled out the blue bag again & take out the red jeweled hat clip & stared at it emotionally "I'm sorry Song Yeon…I thought that killing myself is the right thing…but then, now I know the real right thing I must do is to continue to stay alive, do the things I must do, defeat my enemies who'll might prevent me from doing the things I must do or kill me, and teach our son to learn the things he must do before he becomes the new king after I died…I'm sorry for not realizing that staying alive is the real right thing to do…but now I must be patient until my time has come…so wait for me soon…Song Yeon". **

**As he looked at it, he didn't notice that Song Yeon is standing next to him on his left side as a ghost…watching him. She had tears in her eyes…yet she was glad that the man she loves decides to keep on living until he can be able to be with her soon after he died. **

**Phew, this story took me two days to finish and I have to put a lot of ideas in it. Anyway, happy new year everybody! ^^**


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